schizophrenia

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schizophrenia

Post by chris_halo on Sun Dec 23, 2012 3:39 am

x-posted to my lj:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWYwckFrksg

i can't stop watching this video.. i have schizophrenia and a lot of this rings true... i don't think anyone is out to get me, i don't have visual hallucinations... i don't HEAR actual voices but the FEELINGS of the voices... if that makes sense? there's MUCH more to it than that little video but yeah a lot of that is how it feels... it is more of a religious thing for me a lot of the time.. i have emotions and feelings and "signs" attached to numbers/letters/words/colors/symbols/random objects/placement of random objects and things... that change how i feel or think.. or "coincidences" that seems just too convenient.. in fact i rarely see things just as a "coincidence" which is WAY MORE THAN LIKELY crazy.. i know that none of these things truly mean anything but in that instant it's like huge buzzer going off and it freaks me out.. sometimes those little things stay with me for a long time, sometimes a short time

tv shows and movies make me paranoid too, sort of like how the tv thing was like in the video... the story seems to involve me and what i'm thinking and how i'm feeling.... and what happens within the movies/tv shows are my fault (fault isn't a good word for it, though sometimes fault is the exact word for it)

the balance of meds i'm on now is pretty good, if i miss my morning pills it's like hell.. i don't notice that i didn't take them until i start getting really paranoid and by that time i'm fucked... but if i take them i'm usually fine throughout the day, if i miss my mid-day xanax i get paranoid but not nearly as much as if i miss my morning ones (i don't know what they're called, my dad takes care of my pills) i get shots on a monthly basis too.. i tend to feel depressed the longer i've gone without

i have clinical depression, today i felt pretty depressed.. for the last few days i've felt hopeless, which is different than depression... feeling hopeless is sort of like feeling numb with no end, like a "why even give a shit?" (that was probably obvious huh?) i can't quite describe my depression, it's just feeling horrible with no real reason you can put your finger on

i was also anxious when i woke up for the first like 4 hours of the day, it's even harder to describe anxiousness... i'm sure in some point in time everyone has felt anxious.. maybe not to the same degree but yeah

i liked in the beginning and at the end of the video at the window, it was peaceful but even in the beginning where everything is supposed to be normal i had paranoid thoughts... but like i said a lot of it still rings true, especially the tv and newspaper parts.. i don't actually HEAR them but i interpret them in my mind that way.. (once again, if that makes sense)

there's more to my illness(es) but that's a lot of it in a nutshell (nut, ha ha, me.. nut? *rimshot*)

i'd be more in depth but i have this fear that my mental illness is contagious.. my thinking is that i'm pretty smart and if it makes sense to me it would make sense to other people..


Last edited by chris_halo on Sun Dec 23, 2012 4:56 am; edited 5 times in total
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Re: schizophrenia

Post by chris_halo on Sun Dec 23, 2012 3:49 am

if you think this video is funny, more power to you, i wish i could find it funny
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Re: schizophrenia

Post by NOT MONGO on Sun Dec 23, 2012 4:59 am

i dont feel the video is funny. i feel for ya dude... supposedly i have schizoaffective disorder which is like having a little paranoia and having a mood disorder... i have my own theories of where some issues stem from and i think it dials back to being self-conscious and being a lanky kid when i was younger... but i definitely have some mental hindrances. for instance: sometimes ill notice coincidences whether small or large that i somehow map out in my head a "connection." other occurrences are: ill come across a new word i have not seen before and then ill start seeing this word everywhere and i start to question why i have not seen r paid attention to this word before on sites like fb, twitter, this forum, blogs, websites etc.. ill start getting vibes like im being programmed to think a certain way and ill especially notice trends in writing and speech online and in the news... its like im conscienceless aware of the media and government programming us, but people laugh whenever someone says society is programmed and that person is labled a nut. so am i crazy or am i just awake and not all of you are aware or what me and some other people are noticing..

im on a low dosage ssri, and since being on it i get like "high pitched brass bang sounds like in the wind" ringing in my ears when i turn my head fast... its fucked...

i think some mental illnesses just make people more in tune to the fucked up nature of life. whats that quote? uhh, it was something like depressed/cynical people see the world for what it really is.. optimistic happy people avoid the grimness and focus on an illusion. so happy people are really crazy by definition.. its something like that..

anyway.. anytime you want to talk chris, im not far away on fb. if there is anything i can do to maybe lighten the mood or just be an ear for you to talk to, i have no problem with it.
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Re: schizophrenia

Post by chris_halo on Sun Dec 23, 2012 5:04 am

i JUST edited it with something about coincidence (what a coincidence *shakes head*)

thanks mike, same to you
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Re: schizophrenia

Post by NOT MONGO on Sun Dec 23, 2012 5:15 am

also, now i have an idea how this might sound but i just want to say it... Jared Lee Loughner (the arizona political shooter) was not a stable person (and not the greatest example of a mentally ill person) but his shooting introduced me to David Wynn Miller who i found interesting. i think part of their beliefs are on to something with language and how controlling language is and what it dictates. fuck... im rambling on about unimportant shit. this isnt really the place to bring up a murderer and taint this topic... it is relevant considering what has happened the past year with guns + mental illness = a jamboree of fun. but it is a terrible stereotype... anyway...

so the video was kind of overwhelming. i had experiences with mental illness in my old neighnorhood when i was younger. i had two friends who lived on either side of this awkwardly build house and in that awkwardly built house lived 3 women and the youngest had schizophrenia. she would slam open whatever door was closest to us depending on whose backyard we were in and she would scream at us and ask us "to stop talking about me (her)." we were baffled and couldnt understand how us playing football had anything to do with her next door. over time i felt bad for her and realized what hell she mustve been going through... im not going to lie, i did make jokes with my friends... but it seems karma has plans for me and my own paranoia..
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Re: schizophrenia

Post by chris_halo on Sun Dec 23, 2012 5:23 am

i'm sure it's funny to a lot of people who don't understand it

and i envy people like that.. i mean not that they don't care but that the idea seems so rediculous that it makes absolutely no sense
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Re: schizophrenia

Post by NOT MONGO on Sun Dec 23, 2012 6:14 am

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Re: schizophrenia

Post by Garrett on Sun Dec 23, 2012 3:33 pm

Have you guys been diagnosed by a doctor or is this just an "I feel like that" self diagnosis?

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Re: schizophrenia

Post by chris_halo on Sun Dec 23, 2012 3:58 pm

i've been diagnosed with schizophrenia, clinical depression, anxiety, with agoraphobia
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Re: schizophrenia

Post by NOT MONGO on Sun Dec 23, 2012 5:57 pm

yes i have been diagnosed although i do not agree with it.... my psych asks me such questions as "have you been hearing voices?" to which i have never ever heard any voices. so the diagnosis is dubious to me.
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Re: schizophrenia

Post by Soylent Brown on Sun Dec 23, 2012 6:22 pm

I don't think you need to have heard voices to have schizophrenia, though.
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Re: schizophrenia

Post by NOT MONGO on Sun Dec 23, 2012 6:41 pm

true. but i never mentioned hearing voices. it just seems like he rarely knows me and my condition. i spend five minutes with him like once every 3 months for refills...

im on invega... chris might know what that is. and nothing changes while on it. ive never noticed a difference since being perscribed on it. but i really dont think i have any problems... i just think i might have a little paranoia but nothing like depicted in that video... its more about coincidences and questioning peoples motives sometimes because most people suck.
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Re: schizophrenia

Post by chris_halo on Sun Dec 23, 2012 7:25 pm

i have invega sustenna injections every month, some other injection too but i don't remember the name

i showed my dad the movie and he laughed
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Re: schizophrenia

Post by Soylent Brown on Sun Dec 23, 2012 8:35 pm

Mike, have you considered seeing a different doctor? If you don't feel like he knows you, it might be time to change doctors.
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Re: schizophrenia

Post by NOT MONGO on Mon Dec 24, 2012 12:45 am

well i have to see him and i have to go along with these mental "disturbances" because these doctors will continue to write to my health insurance company that i need to be medicated and thus i can stay under my parents' health insurance coverage for as long as i need until i graduate and find a job that offers health insurance... its a catch 22.. and im not being harmed by the meds so ill go along with it, you know?
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Re: schizophrenia

Post by chris_halo on Mon Dec 24, 2012 12:53 am

well that's a shitty situation
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Re: schizophrenia

Post by Vezmus on Tue Dec 25, 2012 1:22 am

Drug use caused me to hear voices over time. The older I got, the more it happened. After slowing down and finally stopping all drugs, I noticed the voices gradually stopped too. It wasn't a standard auditory hallucination. I knew it was not audible. It was a lot more like telepathy would be. Fuzzy and choppy. A bad connection in your mind's ear. The voices were never mean or negative. They never told me to do things. Mostly it was a hallucination that I was reading people's minds. You know how in dreams people say a lot of stuff that you would not think of.....yet you DID think of it because it's YOUR dream. That's the kind of stuff I thought people were saying in their minds. It was just my subconscious flotsam. Schizophrenia must be like a waking nightmare, where your dark subconscious flotsam is superimposed over reality. yeah?
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Re: schizophrenia

Post by Garrett on Sun Dec 30, 2012 9:29 pm

I'm 99% sure that I have control in every decision I make. It's liberating.
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